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Letting Go of My Beast Self: An Olympic Journey
As a competitive track and field athlete, I used to look in the mirror and not recognize what I saw looking back at me. My reflection wasn’t the kind, goofy Tori that many have come to know.
My eyes were hard and unwavering. My demeanor unmoved and unbothered. Tangled deep energy sat in my chest waiting to erupt, wanting to scream and smash the mirror with myfists.
This was my beast self. An uncivilized, irrational animal maneuvering strictly on survival instincts.
The self that didn’t give a damn what people thought. The self that fought the status quo. The self that was free from doubt, shame, or incompetence.
The beast self that was full of energy that feels like a million bubbles popping in your chest and makes it impossible to sit still. The energy that I had in high school, college, and my first three years as a professional.
For the last year and a half, I haven’t had this same, anxious, wired, pent-up aggression inside of me when I compete. And when I recognized that feeling was dwindling, I tried desperately to hold onto it. I spent months trying to reconnect with the “young me” who was fearless, who attacked every obstacle with brute force and powered her way through. The me that didn’t exactly know where she was going but kept going anyways. The hard-working, relentless, hot-blooded soul that secured herself a sponsorship and a spot on top of the world rankings.
Without realizing it, I came to depend on this beast energy to feel “ready”, awake, and powerful. I thought I needed that wild, beast energy. I thought, “If I’m not hype can I still jump far? Will I still be fun to watch? Will I still love jumping?”
So I tried to manufacture it. I’d listen to my “Pumped up Kix” playlist and dance around, raising my heartbeat. I’d talk shit to myself to make myself angry. I thought I’d lost a part of myself and I desperately wanted it back.
But even with this sensation, I didn’t always compete at my best. Sometimes the energy got the best of me and I’d be inconsistent. In the 2012 and 2016 Olympic trials, I came 17th and 8th in the triple jump, failing to qualify for the U.S. team. I never stopped to think that I’d evolved past that wild state. I’m moving past…
